HOPE was first written in 1997 and was the foundation for me in starting Project SPEAR a national Charity which closed in 2008, 2 years after I left, Sue OzO.
Each individual will have individual motives behind their actions of deliberate self-injury/harm. What may be common is the lack of self-worth they feel. They have judged themselves to be unworthy and they confirm this by dwelling on negative experiences and live in fear of future negative responses. You can’t defend yourself, so you take on the guilt and fear that block you from believing anything good about yourself. There is still an instinctual desire to survive and one finds self-injury supports an individual to cope with their feelings of hopelessness.
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So a Judgement may have been made |
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They found themselves guilty for something they were not responsible for and due to ’a fact’ that the defence had insufficient evidence to clear themselves. |
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A judgement has been passed. |
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Guilt. Blameworthiness / blame / responsibility/ Remorse/ self-reproach / regret / sorrow/ Shame/ self-condemnation. It may be that Self-help can free a person from the chains of depression.
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The punishment |
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Self-condemnation the blaming of ones-self. Self-accusation the accusing of oneself. Self-contempt contempt for oneself. Self-denial self-sacrifice. Self-disgust self-hatred Self-reproach to reproach or blame oneself.
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We have to look at this judgement and accept one thing, you only viewed one side of the evidence, and you never defended yourself. This is why you need to seek out support and find someone who will help you accept the truth and encourage you to defend yourself by finding the balance by seeing as much good in yourself as you imagine is bad. So the solution to this problem is to produce evidence indicating whether a thing is true or valid.
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Deliberate self-harm is an intentional, considered course of action |
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(Great, this means you can un-plan it) that occurs when a person feels entrapped by a situation, which triggers off the manifestation of that Person’s past traumatic experiences and emotions. (Start to make a list of situations that triggers negative thinking and problem-solving methods of combating them or raising your tolerance to them) Hidden memories that are incomprehensible and inaccessible stir emotions that come to the surface in disguised reactions to present situations. (Well, most of the time you have no control to what thoughts pop into your mind, but you do have a choice if they stay there. Try to distract yourself from too much negative thinking. It is easier said than done, it may be difficult at first, but it’s very achievable.) It could be seen as a sacrifice, a voluntary relinquishing of something of value, an offering for absolution, a release to exonerate the excruciating pain that is within, untouchable, unseen and unheard. (Write a letter to yourself on what you want to achieve, and how you would rather feel) Whatever you may see it as, it is most certainly one thing: COMMUNICATION. A statement of the depth of emotional anguish that person is feeling within. ( Make use of the support networks that surround you ) |
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Deliberate self-harm is a coping method not a solution. Deliberate self-help is the solution |
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It is Self-preservation, an individual who takes this action wants to live, just not the way they are living it at the moment. An individual has a self-responsibility to self that they must make an effort and accept the rewards of their efforts will be minor in the short term, but with courage and persistence they will make a significant difference in the long term. It is one step at a time; keep the pressure off until you have increased your self-tolerance. It will take time and commitment. There is another common thread that runs through all those that take the action of deliberate self-harm and that is the one of fear, due to self-doubts. Fear is an unpleasant emotion caused by exposure to danger. One may walk around with an expectation of pain. One can be in a state of alarm. One may experience anxiety for one’s safety. Feel fear towards a person or thing. One may hesitate. One may dread certain situations. One can feel terror entering a crowded room. To one’s horror someone talks to you. One can then start to panic. One may act timid, out of fright. One talks but every word is filled with apprehension. One may feel intimidated. Jumpy. Nervous. Worry, worry, and worry. One’s worst nightmare could happen at any second. So one may start to live life fearfully. Apprehensive. Anxious. Nervous. Hesitant. Shy. Lacking self-confidence. Excessively modest. Timid. Retiring. Silent. Unresponsive. Tight-lipped. Unforthcoming. There could be an avoidance of saying all the individual knows or feels, or a disposition to silence, holding back some facts. |
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So what is the Answer? |
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Acceptance and Understanding |
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When we have this, we have empathy and are in a position to understand why this person is acting in such a way. If needed, with understanding and acceptance, you will know what evidence is needed to present to an individual, evidence that may correct a negative response that was due to past negative communications. It’s never too late; tomorrow can always be a fresh start. When we act judgementally, we do a person an injustice. Because truly we will never know all the facts, there will always be something missing, so how can you judge a person fairly? When you judge a person unfairly, it’s wrong, oppressive/ discriminative/ biased/ one-sided/ abuse and a disservice as you may underestimate and undervalue that person. An individual could accept they are being prejudice against self, they are being judgemental and discriminative, they are oppressing self, but they can find the solutions, if they look hard enough. If you are really against prejudice, you must combat self-prejudice first. You may find it beneficial to understand fear is based on what could happen, not what will, or what has happened; it’s down to yourself to overcome your fears with the support of others; raise your tolerance to your fears a little at a time. Why do so many people have a problem dealing with Individuals that self-injure? It’s the common and inordinate reaction to deliberate self-harm. Let’s face it; individuals that self-injure are aware they run the gauntlet. They have received it from non-professionals and professionals alike. So what is the common ground here? Could it be, that the society in which we live in is ruled by packaging? The deep penetrating cuts that can be made by an individual who self-injures, will expose brutal truths that neither side want to acknowledge. It is common knowledge now that we have difficulties dealing with the after-effects of witnessing other people’s injuries. It’s the realisation of the frailness of the Human Being. After all we are akin to meat. The openness of a wound displays the familiarities between human beings and the meat in the fridge. I know many carers that have found it so distressing to deal with an individual that has self-injured, that I feel people that self-injure need to take this into account, and wrap their wounds before asking for help, as I know that can be achieved and we should take others feelings into account, as we have to act as we want to be treated. With more care, what do you think? This is why most will have an inordinate reaction to self-injuries, how could a person do this to themselves. Nowadays, everyone seems to be concerned with packaging. That is why we find it more convenient to buy meat from the supermarket. We are then shielded from the point of the action that a living being is slaughtered for the individual needs, but how many would buy it if they had to stand next to the living being and be present at its death and disembowelment. Maybe now you may see why so many can turn their backs on this. How dare someone strip their skin and expose the brutal crude truth that we are formed from something as simple as flesh and bone. We all live in denial of something, denial can be as good or dangerous, depending on the context. This could explain the reasons for the reactions most individuals endure that take the action of deliberate self-injury. Society is self-obsessed with looks. When I think back I was only trying to express how I felt in the inside on the outside; maybe then the people would have noticed how much pain they really caused and maybe stopped. My way out come when I cut some people out of my life rather than cutting myself up. Professionals’ tolerance to self-injury is better than ever before and we only hear of a few cases now of discrimination. They also have the frustrations of not being in a position to help people who self-injure at times. So they try a bit of a sharp shock treatment. Not enough time, money/ resources/ knowledge/ understanding/ acceptance is freely available for this problem. In hospitals professionals have been exposed to the impact of injury that has been enforced on someone, the emotional torment caused by disfigurement. They have been repeatedly exposed to the torment and emotional distress death causes, they know in their hearts you choose life. They know one wants life. They can’t change things as they haven’t got the time. Sometimes because of heavy workloads they react, as we all do. Frustrations and emotions come to the surface as anger and contempt. What I aim to do is create empathy on both sides of the fence. Those who condemn individuals who self-injure need to understand and accept this attitude, if they want to deal with the problem and combat it.
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My own answer that’s so the truth for me when asked about my scars was “Went to Hell, Hell was shit, these are the skid marks.” Of course my scars have faded now, and I am never asked anymore, pain fades, scars heal. |
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The artistic principle Those who self-injure are communicating in a way that might seem crude, but has artistic qualities.
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DISCRIMINATION: IT’S A SOCIAL DISEASE |
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This could explain the reasons for the reactions most individuals endure that take the action of deliberate self-injury. Society is self-obsessed with looks. When I think back I was only trying to express how I felt on the inside on the outside, maybe then the people would have noticed how much pain they really caused and maybe stopped. My way out come when I cut some people out of my life, rather than cutting myself up. “Humans Being Judgmental”, the problem. rather than aiming to be “Humans being Responsible” If You Can’t Get Over It, Learn To Deal With It. I thought there were things that happened in my life that I would never get over but I have learnt I was very wrong and you can leave the past in the past, if you want. When I was depressed and deliberately self-injuring & harming I had built up to this action by focusing on all the negative aspects in my life. I then made an unbalanced judgement due to an overview of one-sided evidence. As unique individuals, it is our own responsibility to keep sight of what is important to us as a person, and there is a need to find a balance and not put ourselves under too much pressure. Working one day at a time, taking one step at a time. We sometimes expect changes to occur overnight, we all know it takes time, but do we accept this? Do we really give ourselves enough time to adapt to changes? What are the common responses to this Action? Princess Diana was an individual who took the action of deliberate self-injury. She divulged that on several occasions she had cut herself, and even she was faced with the common reaction by those closest to her, that she was merely attention-seeking. What does ATTENTION-SEEKING really mean? Let’s do some role-playing. You find yourself in very deep water, you can’t see anything to reach out for that could support you. You are finding it impossible to keep your head above water. What do you do? Seek attention, that is if you have the basic Human instinct of SELF-PRESERVATION. I see deliberate self-injury as an act that is instinctually desired by human beings when they feel that they are trapped with no other means of escape. It is not the solution, just another coping method that someone has found to deal with their individual situation. Face facts how else will anyone see the pain an individual is suffering, how else would they get support. Yes we have all suffered something, but what if you never found something to care about enough or when you did you lost it. People have very mixed feelings towards individuals who bear the marks of the “depth of suffering they feel within, exposed naked to the world”. People will then act accordingly i.e. evade what they fear, or look on disapprovingly at something they find to be offensive. It’s just the NORM after all, humans being...judgemental. We all do it. There is a minority within every culture that will voice their judgements of others and a minority within it that won’t. Then there’s that minority that makes their feelings known by their visual displays and there are ones that don’t. Also there’s that sad minority that makes their feelings known by acts of violence etc. You will always find further minorities within any minority group. I accept we all have a cross to bear, and everything I have experienced discrimination for I have also accessed benefits from. Now I can see the balance, I found myself not sensitive to the discrimination. We all need to be human being…. responsible, and stop being so judgemental. We may need to accept difference more, and learn from those differences, why they exist and where they originate from. This interchange of differences is what has made the Human Race achieve all its greatest advances. The sharing and blending of our cultures and knowledge has made us strong. This is something I feel has been overlooked or ignored. We all have something to add to the pot. We all share the same rocky boat. Maybe it is time to stop making all those waves for each other. There have been many radical changes in the Twentieth Century, most of which have left more people than ever before experiencing a comfortable Lifestyle. So what are the drawbacks? Our expectations are greater than ever before. More people are stressed and confused and start to question their whole way of life. If you seek out negative experiences, you will find them. The pace of life and the pace of change have never been so fast. Some working environments are becoming places of fear due to the ridicule some individuals have to suffer. More feelings of suspicion and distrust are originating in the workplace fuelled by bad communication. Most of us in today’s society can properly recall an instance when for no known reason a stranger has directed verbal abuse in passing. If you are suffering from low self-esteem this will act as confirmation to passing thoughts of negativity and can have damaging results. Many individuals have been damaged somewhat due to there past experiences in the workplace. Leaving them with no motivation or commitment to that role. This leads to high absenteeism and the workplace leaves you feeling discontent and asking yourself “why I am doing this?” The extent of damage, which abuse will have on an individual, can only be defined by that individual.
Abuse is abuse in any sense or form. Most would consider verbal abuse as minor, and this may be true as abuse goes, but it costs a major fortune and we are all exposed to it. The most common place where verbal abuse is on the increase is within the workplace. We can spend over 40 hours a week with the people we work with (sometimes more than we spend awake with our partners.) Those little irritations can grow into major conflict as time ticks by and the individual becomes more sensitive to each knock. Frustrations and emotions come to surface as anger and contempt. Cliques often form and individuals can dread leaving the room as they know they will be the next subject for discussion. The new face that gains a stir of attention can bring rebuke from the hands of time. Overworked and understaffed. Many can be jealous for no other reason than think someone is getting closer to their own dream and decide to put a spoke in their wheels, just so they can feel better about their own lives again, safe. Keeping frustrations unspoken for fear of repercussions. Companies spend fortunes on team training, encouraging Individuals to new heights only to disillusion them later. It’s difficult to find the right balance with people, but if we are true to ourselves and believe in equality and practise it, then we can please ourselves by being ourselves and accepting you cant please everyone, but we all have rights.
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Encouraging Qualities Within Individuals Towards Positive Thinking |
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Encourage give courage, confidence, or hope to. Qualities value / worth / distinction/ dignity . Within inside / enclosed / internally / within one’s grasp. Towards in the direction of. Positive sure / certain / confident / satisfied / marked by the presence rather than absence of qualities. . Thinking using thought or rational judgement. |
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The messages I convey will be based upon general reasoning with the aim and the understanding that a message can be carried in many different ways, an individual may not understand a message that has been translated in only one way. This communication strategy is one of the most important methods that I employ. Ensuring that an individual is aware that he/she needs to take action now in order to create provisions for the future, and, to accept and cater for the unknown obstacles that can obstruct positive growth. |
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The Help Self list goes on. |
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Self-actualise: to realize fully one’s personal (e.g. intellectual) potential. Life can be what you make it. Self-assertion: the act of asserting oneself or one’s own rights, claims, or opinions. Self-assurance: of one’s own powers and abilities; self-confidence. Self-aware: of one’s own personality or individuality. Self-command: which is self-control, restraint of one’s own impulses or emotions. Self-satisfied: developing an idea & helping others create this. Self-composed: having or showing mental or spiritual composure, calm. Self- confidence: in oneself and in one’s powers and abilities. Self-content: achieving what makes one happy. Self-correcting: compensating for or correcting one’s own errors or weaknesses. Self-determination: free choice of one’s own actions or states without outside influence. Self-development: one’s own mind or capacities. Self-directing oneself: specific not guided or impelled by an outside influence. Self-discipline: the control or training of oneself. Self-enrichment: the act or process of increasing one’s intellectual or spiritual resources. Self-esteem: a confidence and satisfaction in oneself; self-respect. Self-fulfilling: marked by, or achieving, fulfilment of oneself. Self-image: one’s conception of oneself or of one’s role. Self-imposed: imposed on one by oneself; voluntarily undertaken. Self-induced: induced by oneself or itself. Self-made: by one’s own actions. Self-mastery: Self-motivated. Self-motivated: driven by one’s own internal impetus, self-starting. Self-moved: by inherent power without external agency or cause. Self-organization: of oneself. Self-poised: balanced without support. Self-possessed: composed in mind or manner, calm. Practise safe self-questioning: when examining one’s own actions and motives. Self-realisation: fulfilment by oneself or the inherent possibilities of one’s nature. Self-regard: concern or consideration for oneself or one’s own interests. Self-reliance: upon one’s own efforts and abilities; independence. Self-restraint: imposed on oneself, esp. on the expression of one’s feelings. Self-stimulation: of oneself as a result of one’s own activity or behaviour. Self-sufficient: able to maintain oneself or itself without outside aid. Self-supporting: meeting one’s needs by one’s own labour or income. Self-will: the stubborn or wilful adherence to one’s own desires or ideas, like you do, but in a positive fashion. |
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What can you do to support? |
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There is always a solution. You may not be able to see the wood for the trees when you are depressed, and that’s where you can support someone to find their individual solution for their individual situation. Support them to help themselves. Needed skills to support an individual. Honesty, don’t make promises you can’t keep. Opportunity, display more options. Potential, provide evidence, everyone has it. Encouragement, let them know they can do it and acknowledge it will be difficult at times, but they can do it. We misunderstand depression in general. It makes us aware there are problems in your current situation and action is needed. Depression doesn’t exist to keep you down. I see depression as having a positive element: it lets you know something isn’t right at present and it’s time you correct it. I cannot rescue people, but I can support them until they can move forward on their own. An individual who has resorted to taking this action feels trapped. Support them to find a solution. Too many people try to become the solution for a person they care about, some people become overwhelmed by their feelings of responsibility, and then they feel trapped and seek escapism. I had to accept why so many people had such an inordinate reaction to this coping method. The truth became apparent in time; people just didn’t know how to handle it. Many attempt to rescue an individual who is struggling emotionally, some succeed and others don’t. Failure can result in frustration and contempt. We feel it is better to support an individual until they can move forward on their own to be more effective and safe in practise, than attempting a rescue. If you were to view this in a different way, let’s say attempting to rescue a drowning victim. Few non-swimmers can rescue a drowning person; frequently both the original victim and the would-be rescuer drown together. If you cannot swim or if you doubt your ability to get the drowning victim out of the water, it is far better to summon help or try some other tactic other than unthinkingly jumping into the water Plunging into the water to save someone who is drowning or has apparently drowned should be approached with extreme caution. Pulling the Victim out When an individual is beyond your reach or capability, Support them with respect and positive regard. Ensure quality time on a regular basis. (do not over-commit yourself and let them down later, be honest) Support them by sharing the search for new opportunities they could access. (support groups, training, hobbies & interests) Offer moral support when attending a new group or just encourage them to get there. Ask them how they would rather feel and what they may need to do to achieve that. Remember if someone has resulted to deliberately self-injuring, they have become cold and uncaring towards the self. They have harshly judged the self as unworthy, prejudicial, self against self. They may need to be calm and positive, allowing themselves to view self as only human, flesh and blood, and at times prone to make mistakes. You can help by supporting them to achieve their goals and by staying positive yourself. There is always a solution sometimes we need help to find it. |
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Comments on what people feel they need and don’t need. |
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Don’t treat me like a freak, ask me if I’m alright. I know what I do seems weird to you but it’s the only thing I can do to help me cope. To understand me, give me support and definitely not judge or shout. Not to say “oh why didn’t you come and talk about it?” – if we could we would. Not to take over. Not to start questioning and analysing straight away, it isn’t the most useful thing. I would like my mum to not make me feel guilty. She says I have to think of the effect it has on my kids and family as well. (I would like to see something on how to explain it to your children) Hug me, or hold my hand and say something like – “I hope you get through this”. To try to communicate and understand, and make your life feel valid. This is the only way to restore HOPE. (If you lose that, you’ve lost all). Be very supportive, ask what’s going on in the self-harmer’s mind and listen. I would like them to understand that inside is bad and the pressure is all too much and that I am not trying to kill myself. Don’t panic! If it were my family I would want them to get coffee and a cigarette. But never ask why – why ever!? It’s a stupid question at that point. Not keep asking if I’m okay. Not telling me I need/have to stop. Treat me gently and with RESPECT. Give me some indication of how much (or sometimes how little) you do understand. Behave normally, life goes on, put the kettle on. Be understanding, give support and appropriate space. I would like friends to accept me, be supportive, caring, give me a hug and tell me, everything will get better. It just takes time. Encourage the person to talk as cutting is a way of learning to live with all the bad feelings. It is like having a silent voice and happens when you can’t manage to talk about it. Show understanding and reassure me that despite what I’ve done they still love me. Rather than saying they could never self-harm maybe they could encourage me to say what is on my mind. So often, people ask how you are and then go off on a tangent, I certainly don’t want pity but real interaction would be nice. Stop asking questions and listen. To not lose their temper or shout but to think before they speak and to look after and care. Think more of a self-harmer than they do themselves. Do not force people to talk if they don’t want to. |
Just a final note nothing is as Black or White as it looks,
why not ask the individual.
Silent & listen are spelled with the same letters! Unknown